Eeee, aaa, chucks! Welcome to this weeks BC BLIND DATE!

[applause]

Well, let go straight across and meet our three lovely contenstants for round one. Aren't they gorgeous girls?!?

[cheers]

Well hello contestant number 1, what's your name and where do you come from?

My name is R~S~P and I'm from scarborough!

oooo, tell me more!!!

I'm 19 and i'm a student.

oooo, well girls, what do you think?

[cheers]

And contestant number 2?

My name is Si and I'm from brighton!

That's all we need to know thank you.... (raise eyebrow at girls)
And contestant number 3?

mi name is andy1 and im form peterborough!

And tell me a bit about yourself!

well i tipe dead nasty but like i talk sence sometime ZOMBIENATIONDAVEPIERCE

ooooo, you such a funny one aren't you chuck!
Well girls, let's see what you think?

[cheers]

Right guys, see you in a tick. Let's meet the lucky girl who's going to be going on a date with one of those lovely men! Come in.... Tich!

[applause with wolf whistles]

Hi cilla.

Hello chuck, tell me a bit about yourself...

Well, I'm 16 and I go to college in essex!

An essex girl eh chuck?

[sniggers from the audience]

ok then tich, lets here your first question!

Right, my first question to contestant number one: If I were to meet you in a dark alley at night and asked you the way to a motel, what would you say to me?

I'd say, sorry, I'm new in this area as well and I'm also looking for a bed for the night, maybe we could go seach for a motel together?

[audience goes ooooooooo]

And the same question to number two...

Well, vicki, for a start if it had anything to do with me you wouldn't be walking alone late at night in the first place. I'd make sure you were inside before a nice warm fire, with just me and a tub of hagen daaz for company

[audience goes mmmmmmmmm]

And finally that question to number three....

id vicki say you wanna try n takedon me flies and jerk me with just your toes or somethin lick that

[audience sits in an uncomfortable silence]

Ok, my second question to number two: If you were to cook me any dish for a dinner, what would it be and why?

Well, I'd cook us up a nice succulent roast chicken. I'm not sure why but I'd fancy a bit of legs and breast....

[audience goes ahhhhhh]

And that question to number three?

well vicki id noty cook you diner cos that wood be ur job as ur the woman

[audience goes boooooo]

And finally that question to number one.

Well, vicki, I think I'd just order an indian to give us more time to do other more interesting things....

[audience goes aaaaye?]

And my last question to number three: What do you think of blur?

blur are shite davepierce is the king and ZOMBIE NATION just makes me come at the thort of it!!!!!!!11

[audience sits in silence as number three rubs his crotch]

And that question to number one?

I like most music but I'm not into blur all that much. I just chat on blurchat for the high quality of conversation.

[audience nods apreciatively]

Ok then, that question to number two.

Well, I think blur just rock. After most bands have disappeared into obscurity or survive only on a repetative musical formula, blur keep doing it again and again with something surprising every time.

[audience cheers]

Eeeee, well chuck, who's it going to be? Let's ask graham to remind you of each boy's finer points!!!

Well, vicki, you could go for number one: a nice chap who seems to know what yo want before you do yourself, he's willing to spend a bit on you though it think it may be that he's always willing to give you a shag to the detriment of all else. I dunno.
Or maybe you could pick number two: he seems to be a bit over protective but he'll get your juices flowing as he sample's your legs and breast and he may even share your taste in music. That is, if you like blur yourself, but why else would you ask that last question?
Or maybe you'd like to go for number three: unlike number two, this one's taste is mostly for your feet, though he'd have to ask you while he's in the kitchen because he probably wouldn't let you go anywhere else.

[audience sniggers and then cheers as it sees the "applause" sign light up]

Well, thanks a bunch for that rundoown , graham, you're as subtle as ever tonight I see...
Ok vicki chuck, who's it going to be? Who's the lucky guy tonight??!?

Well, I thought number one was sweet, and nuber two sort of sounded sexy, but I think tonight I'm going to pick.... Number three!!!

[audience sits in shocked silence until the ushers come around with cattle prods to get them to cheer]

well, who would ave thought it, eh? well chuck, let's see those guys you turned down! Here's number one!

mmmmmmm...

[audience laugh at R~S~P's grimace as tich kisses him on the cheek]

And here's the second unlucky one, number two!!

mmmmmmm....

[audience laugh at Si's attempt to kiss tich on the lips]

Ok ckuck, are you ready to meet your blind date???

I'm as ready as I ever will be, cilla!

Ok, come on in, number three!!!

mmmmmmm.... ARGH!

what is it chuck?

That's andy1 from blurchat!!!

hello vicki long time

Do you two chucks know each other?

Yes, he once asked me to.....

can i hav ur mobile no now

Well, chucks, let's pick a envelope!!!

Um, this one?

watever

Ok, lets see what it is shall we chucks?!? Ok... you two are going to London! You'll be spending the night in a prefab house with lots of activities and wildlife. There's hottubs, unicycles, chickens, and assult course and ofcourse, your very own microphone each! Well, what do you think?

I, um, well cilla....

yeah cool im licking it alredy!!!!1

Ok, chuck, we'll see you next week when you tell us all about your BLIND DATE!!!

[cheers as vicki and andy1 walk off the set]

vicki do you no wat felching is....?

Ok now chucks, last week we had a very special couple go on a date to the island of jersey. Lets meet last weeks winners..... Liam and Nate!!!

[cheers]

Hi guys, first, before you say anything, lets see what you've been getting up to on your blind date!!!

[footage of liam and nate windsurfing, making pottery and eating together. audience laugh as liam sinks his surfboard, liam try to get nate to act out _that_ scene fron Ghost with him while making a jug and nate and liam both vomiting into their soup bowls]

Well, it seems you had soo much fun chucks. Now let's hear what you really thought of each other.....

Well, as much as liam is a nice guy and all that, I only entered the first homosexual blind date as a bet. I've actually got a girlfriend and have no intention of seeing liam again as soon as the camera is off me.

[audience gasp]

Well, I think nate is the nicest guy I've ever met. I really think he could be the one for me. I haven't told him yet but the way he touches me, well, it just send shivers down my spine!!!

[audience go aaawwwwww]

When Liam chose me I really shit my pants. The last thing I wanted to do was go on holiday with a raving nymphomaniac homo. But then, I won my bet which i'll use my winnings to pay liam to keep quiet...

[audience snigger]

When I chose nate and he walked around the partition I knew that it was a turning point in my life. From then on I just knew everything will be different!!!

[audience think this is hilarious]

Ok chucks, you just saw what you think of each other on film. Now, here in the studio, lets hear whet you have to say _to each other_!!!

I, um, well, I er.... nate said he was, well, gay and he....

I never said that you little piece of shit. I never said any different though, as I've got a lot of money riding on this.

Well what about that time together in the sauna. You let me rub your back down and when I started feeling your bottom you didn't mind in the slightest?!?!

Shh! I was, um, drunk or something...

No you weren't. And after that when we made love you said it was the best you'd ever had!!!

No. That didn't happen. It never did.

It did!!!

Never!!!

Well chucks, it seems that we can find out the truth right here and now. One of you left your mics on and we picked up this recording:

Ohhhhh... uhhhhhh.... ooooooo.... uuuuuhhhh.... liam, just.... there..... ooooo,..... uhhhh.... now..... now?.... yes... ARGH! UMPH!...... phew.... that was the best I've evr had... thanks....

Well chucks, what have you got to say to that?

I, um, well, Liam, just name a price man.

Ha ha! No, you're plans of future superstardom are ruined!!! ha ha ha!

I'll kill you!!!

[audience start chanting "cilla, cilla, cilla!" as Nate and Liam start slapping and scratching each other]

Well chucks, I think that is a good place to leave it. See you again next year for the new series of BC BLIND DATE!!!

[aplause, lights, theme and credits]

By stereopop on Monday, March 12, 2001 - 07:24 pm:

Exactly how old is that?

By luvs on Tuesday, March 13, 2001 - 01:28 am:

my only question is why....

By Anon Humous on Tuesday, March 13, 2001 - 05:33 pm:

That's Brilliant! hahaha

By Scamp on Tuesday, March 13, 2001 - 06:41 pm:

You made up all those quotations featuring Tich/Vicki and didn't include a single 'hehe'? That's all I recall about the lass.

By th_lukas on Wednesday, March 14, 2001 - 05:49 am:

I wrote that last september, just after writing some other stories about big brother (survivor, for americans) and jailbreak.

And I would have put "hehe" after every sentance of Vicki's but I didn't want to make out that I knew her that well.

If you know what I mean.

By evil_eye on Wednesday, March 14, 2001 - 08:47 am:

i have lost faith in the human race , the human race, the human race...

By Sir Anthony Hopkins on Wednesday, March 14, 2001 - 10:35 am:

I've just pooped my pants.

By Queen Elizabeth on Wednesday, March 14, 2001 - 10:37 am:

No. . . I've just pooped your pants.

By Geraldine McEwan on Wednesday, March 14, 2001 - 10:39 am:

I'll give you 50 quid for those pants.

By Billy Elliot on Wednesday, March 14, 2001 - 10:42 am:

I don't have any money, but I'll make it worth your while;)

By Robbie Williams on Wednesday, March 14, 2001 - 10:44 am:

Billy. . .you wouldn't cheat on ME? Would you my little squirmy worm?

By Gary Glitter on Wednesday, March 14, 2001 - 10:47 am:

I loved your movie Billy. I've watched it over and over again.

By Michael Jackson on Wednesday, March 14, 2001 - 10:47 am:

Me too!!!

By Sean Connery on Wednesday, March 14, 2001 - 10:48 am:

Me three!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

By Robbie Williams on Wednesday, March 14, 2001 - 10:49 am:

Billy. . . ?

By Rents on Wednesday, March 14, 2001 - 12:50 pm:

Ok, what is going on here? A mixture or actors and singers arguing over each other's sexuality?

By Lucky on Wednesday, March 14, 2001 - 03:54 pm:

This is the funniest thing I have read in ages. Fantastic.

By Robbie Williams on Wednesday, March 14, 2001 - 07:06 pm:

Billy. . .?

By Tinky Winky aka Purple Teletubbie on Wednesday, March 14, 2001 - 07:24 pm:

Hi Robbie!

By Robbie Williams on Wednesday, March 14, 2001 - 07:25 pm:

Erm. . . Sorry not interested. Wot about the red one?

By Fran Healy on Wednesday, March 14, 2001 - 07:28 pm:

You just stay away from my Po, slut!

By Gary Glitter on Wednesday, March 14, 2001 - 07:31 pm:

Hello Tinky Winky!

By Michael Jackson on Wednesday, March 14, 2001 - 07:32 pm:

Hello Dipsy!

By Sean Connery on Wednesday, March 14, 2001 - 07:33 pm:

Hello Laa-Laa!

By Paul Weller on Wednesday, March 14, 2001 - 07:45 pm:

You leave Laa-Laa out of this, you bald fuck!

By Geraldine McEwan on Wednesday, March 14, 2001 - 07:47 pm:

Hello Laa-Laa!

By Paul Weller on Wednesday, March 14, 2001 - 07:48 pm:

You too, you old bag o' bones!!!

By Robbie Williams on Wednesday, March 14, 2001 - 07:49 pm:

Billy. . . ?

By Grommit on Wednesday, March 14, 2001 - 08:43 pm:

Hello Geraldine!

By Wallace on Wednesday, March 14, 2001 - 08:44 pm:

Gommit!

By Wallace on Wednesday, March 14, 2001 - 08:45 pm:

Sorry, my mouth was full.

By Big Brett on Wednesday, March 14, 2001 - 08:47 pm:

Actually, that's partially my fault.

By Scooby Doo on Wednesday, March 14, 2001 - 08:48 pm:

Rrrig Rrrett. . . ?

By Neil Tenant on Wednesday, March 14, 2001 - 08:50 pm:

Let's see,

Tube, check

Lighter, check

Rodent. . . damn. Anybody got Stuart Little's email addy?

By Tinky Winky on Wednesday, March 14, 2001 - 08:52 pm:

I do, click my name and email me for it!

By Robbie Williams on Wednesday, March 14, 2001 - 08:55 pm:

[sobbing uncontrollably]

BILLY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

By Friendly Neighbourhood Spiderman on Wednesday, March 14, 2001 - 09:14 pm:

Remorse???

Not likely, but still, I'd like to apologize to everybody posted/roasted above. . . except Paul Weller, Robbie Williams, Gary Glitter, Michael Jackson, and Big Brett.

Double apologies to Geraldine McEwan.