okay you guys....i love you all and i know i am pretty good at giving out advice, so, if you ever need any help with anything....just ask. i am here for you dudes okay? and if you don't want to reveal your names, I'll be happy to talk to a whole heap of anions okay?

and if any of you can come up with a catchy name for me, you know like in those help columns, I'd be grateful.

By Sam on Tuesday, August 8, 2000 - 01:25 am:

oops...i do mean anons (anonymous) soz.

By Anonymous on Tuesday, August 8, 2000 - 03:14 am:

I have this weird dick, can you help?

By Eddy on Tuesday, August 8, 2000 - 03:15 am:

What a great topic, well done Sam.

Copings very own Agony Aunt.

By Lucky on Tuesday, August 8, 2000 - 06:49 am:

Well, see, I was just thinking of starting to use my real name instead of 'Lucky', but you seem to have fucked that up for me as my name is also Sam and I am thrown into a dilemma like a dwarf from a dwarf-throwing machine.

On'y jokin' ;)

By tam on Tuesday, August 8, 2000 - 01:32 pm:

well i think i'm dying (on a serious note) and ummm i hate doctors...so like i don't wanna go rite...but i wanna know i don't wanna leave it to the last minute...
i think i know the answer to my delimna...go rite...if its puttin my life at risk....do nething rite? oh well blah maybe thanks sam.

By Eddy on Tuesday, August 8, 2000 - 02:10 pm:

Tam, go to the doctor.

By tam on Tuesday, August 8, 2000 - 08:44 pm:

ahhh i've decided not ta rite now....

By Sam on Wednesday, August 9, 2000 - 01:24 am:

dear anon....I cannot help you with your dick. I don't really understand how it can be weird. I think that it may be something you'll have to live with, if it was weird to begin with. I really don't have any other advice to give except, I'd have to see your dick to identify the problem.....and I don't think we'd appreciate having a piccie of your dick posted on coping. Sorry, guy.

Dear Eddy, thankyou. I like helping people. I think it's my purpose in life.....along with making people laugh. I don't mind being an Agony Aunt.

Dear Lucky, I'm sorry we share the same name....it seems to be a popular one. I usually use Sammie for all other purposes, so perhaps I'll use that in here too so you can use Sam. How's that sound? Or, maybe that will cause confusion. You could call yourself Sam who was formerly known as Lucky but that's such a hassel the type. I am sure this problem will sort itself out.

Dear Tam, sweetie, I really think you should see a doctor. I understand your fear of doctors, I have it too. But, nothing's worse than not knowing. If you feel that it's that serious, seeing a doctor would be the best thing to do. I will be here for you and support you in whatever it is you decide to do. I can only advise you, it's up to you to make the final decision. My love goes with you.

By Anonymous on Wednesday, August 9, 2000 - 03:14 pm:

But my dick!! It's so weird Sam.

By Lucky on Wednesday, August 9, 2000 - 05:07 pm:

Think I'll just stick with Lucky, eh? Ah well, we've got to make some sacrifices in life...

By tam on Wednesday, August 9, 2000 - 05:25 pm:

lol thanks sam...ur so sweet...

By Perplexion on Thursday, August 10, 2000 - 11:14 pm:

When you've never really believed in the idea of internet romance, what on earth do you do when you've had a crush on someone, say for about three years...then, as if by providence, you actually bump into this person over the net? And moreover, pretty soon, this person is declaring their non-platonic love and adoration for you - and you think you might feel the same way - yet, they currently live on the other side of the world, and absolutely refuse to so much as even ring you up. You can't completely understand the explanations as to why not..would "someone" be justified in regarding this as a perplexing/contradictory state of affairs?

By Perplexingon on Monday, August 14, 2000 - 12:28 am:

My, my, thanks for that. Guess I got my answer.

By Eddy on Monday, August 14, 2000 - 02:32 pm:

Hahaha. (sorry)

By Sam on Tuesday, August 15, 2000 - 02:01 am:

Dear Anonymous....Darling, I understand that you may be suffering great trauma over the fact that your dick is weird. I don't know what to say or do about that problem. Just try to calm down about it and accept that it is part of you and don't worry about its weirdness. Just think on it as being unique and original. Perhaps if you are so worried about it being "Weird" you should see someone about it, maybe get a proper medical explaination as to why it it the way it is. I cannot give any further advice, sweetie. But let me condole with you and say that it's probably not as bad as you think.


Dear Lucky.....I feel that Lucky is a good nick name to have. It's positive. Yes, we all have to make sacrifices and we become better people by doing so.


Dear Tam....I hope that my advice to you has helped you in some small way....I feel for you, darling and so I shall be here for you whenever you need me, okay? And I will do my best to help you.

Dear Perplexington. Ah....a relationship problem. Yes I have years of expertise in this area. Yes, I think it would be justified in saying that it is a contradictory and perplexing state of affairs. Internet relationships are hard to fathom. They can be confusing, frustrating and often depressing. My question to you is: Do you know this person "personally"? Do you have any idea of who they are? The aspects of their personality? Could they be telling the truth when they say they love and adore you? I needn't remind you that it is extremely easy to lie over the internet as you are not face to face with the person. Love is an extremely difficult word to describe as it encompasses many emotions. It is one of those feelings that really need exploration and requires a one on one basis to grow and flourish. To say you love a person over the internet is to say, I love the "idea" of you. I love the "image" you conjour in my head. You can love a person over the internet, don't get me wrong, but it is a "loose" love. Something that can be bended and shaped to fit the desires and wants of the two people involved. There is the danger of falling into this trap over the internet and it often leads to heartbreak. You told me that you have had a crush on this person for three years. Do you think that this is all it could be? A crush? If you are not sure of your feelings for this person then that's a good reason to let it lie. Enjoy the person for who they are and how they make you feel when you chat to them but, if you are unsure of your feelings, don't take it any further. But, as I said to Tam, I only give advice. I do not tell people what to do. It is up to you to make the final decision. Good luck to you, darling. I'm sure whatever you decide will be the right thing. If you know in your heart that it's right for "you" then, that's the way to go. I hope I have helped you.

By Sam on Tuesday, August 15, 2000 - 02:05 am:

To all my darlings.....If I take a long time in responding to your letters it's because I am away from uni. I do not have the internet at home yet and have to use it here at uni. I am only here for three days a week and will respond to your letters on those days. So, don't panic if you don't hear from me in a while. I am devoted to helping you and I would not neglect you.

My love to you all.

By Dave Hedgehog on Thursday, September 7, 2000 - 02:43 am:

Never ask a milkman for advice

By Thomas Williams imposter on Friday, September 29, 2000 - 04:35 pm:

yeah!

By sammie on Monday, October 2, 2000 - 02:28 pm:

i am not a milkman

By Milkman John on Monday, October 2, 2000 - 04:35 pm:

Dear Sam,

I am a milkman, and certain recent comments on this site have led me to believe this is a bad thing. I now doubt the value of my entire existence. Help me!

By Sam on Tuesday, October 3, 2000 - 01:49 pm:

Dear milkman john
don't ever think that being a milk man sucks ass.
you are very important to a society that loves its morning coffe and cornflakes. why, if i had the choice between going to the shop and buying milk or having a milk man deliver my milk i would choose the latter. there's nothing more comforting than having someone deliver your milk while you're still asleep. because when you wake up to go and collect the morning paper, the milk is there. i think that all milk men are an important facet of today's world. ignore the comments of others and be safe in the knowledge that i will always respect the milk man.

By Milkman John on Tuesday, October 3, 2000 - 05:42 pm:

Thanks Sam, you've put my mind at rest. I also break into my customers houses and ejaculate onto their pillows as they sleep, leaving before they wake, my sticky residue the only sign I was ever there. Is this wrong?

By Sam on Wednesday, October 4, 2000 - 02:06 pm:

i think that it is, yes....coz you may get found out....thanks to a little technology they call DNA testing which, as you may know, can pin-point the identity of a person with only the assistance of a hair or piece of shirt (sweat soaks in and leaves a biological trail, that's how they catch big time crims or stupid clumsy ones). My advice, milk man john, is to try and refrain from this act and keep it to yourself.

By humphrey on Wednesday, October 4, 2000 - 04:35 pm:

and don't leave any diatoms either....

By R~S~P on Wednesday, October 4, 2000 - 07:14 pm:

Shit, and I've been spreading me zygotes all over... OK, thanks Sammie

By Unemployed Ex-Milkman John on Wednesday, October 4, 2000 - 07:17 pm:

Thanks for the advice Sam, but as you can see, it comes too late. How does an unemployed ex-milkman find a job after being sacked for acts of sexual perversion?

By Sam on Sunday, October 8, 2000 - 12:19 pm:

i am not sure, ex-milkman john. i am not sure.

By Thomas Williams on Friday, October 27, 2000 - 09:35 pm:

Yeah!

By Thomas Williams on Friday, October 27, 2000 - 09:42 pm:

Yeah!

By Thomas Williams on Friday, October 27, 2000 - 09:42 pm:

Yeah!

By shellie on Tuesday, May 15, 2001 - 07:57 am:

I've got an exam in 3 and a bit hours and I'm nervous Lovely weather at the weekend though, can't wait for the next time we see that bright light in the sky again (what was that burning disk??). Anyway must go and beg forgiveness in hope of some Kulashaker style good Karma. Ps I heard a Graham radio interview on my headphones i was sitting on top of a hill, it was ace.

By indigo on Tuesday, May 15, 2001 - 04:40 pm:

well I hope it went well Shellie...

By Thomas Williams on Tuesday, May 15, 2001 - 10:33 pm:

Yeah!

By BIG BRETT on Wednesday, April 24, 2002 - 09:00 pm:

SAM! YOUR THE MAN! HAHAHABOOMBOOM! I HOPE YOU ARE STILL AROUND BECAUSE I WOULD LIKE TO PICK YOUR BRAINS WITH A FEW OF MY OWN PROBLEMS! HAHAHABOOMBOOM! WOMEN TROUBLE, BIG BREAST HAS LEFT ME COS HE MANAGED TO FIND A MAN BIGGER AND LOUDER THAN ME
SAM! I HOPE YOU ARE STILL OUT THERE! SOMEBODY HELP ME BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE

By BIG BREAST on Wednesday, April 24, 2002 - 09:05 pm:

I'm a SHE, darling!

By BIG BILL on Friday, April 26, 2002 - 03:35 am:

I JUST CANT BELIEVE IT TOOK HER SO FACKING LONG TO REALISE I WASNT JUST BIGGER AND LOUDER THAN YOU BUT I'M WAY FACKING BETTER IN BED AS WELL
OH WELL, SANITY PREVAILS AT LAST!

PS - "FACK OFF" THE NEW MEAT AXXXE SINGLE IS TO PUT BACK TWO WEEKS SO THE RECORD COMPANY CAN PROMOTE IT A BIT MORE. MAYBE BIG BREAST CAN GET IN THE VIDEO FOR IT WITH ME AND THE OTHER LADZ

By Hooligan on Wednesday, July 17, 2002 - 08:49 pm:

I have a problem that has been bugging me for some time.
The last straw came today when the doctor prescribed me some "viagra handcream" for a final resort to my illness, which I have now been using this for the past two weeks. I am dejected to say that usage of this special medication did not cure my problem, I've just ended up with really big hands!
I just can't see what I am doing wrong here, can someone help me??