R~S~P Incorporated would like to announce the release of their new fragrance, 'Heartland', the safest aftershave ever released. And how do we know it's the safest? Well, we tested this son~of~a~bitch on ferrets, weasels, deer, elk, squirrels, bison, trout, crickets, gibbons, iguanas, donkeys, capybaras, koalas, hyenas, penguins, woodpeckers - hell, every goddamn animal we could find. Then just to make extra sure, we injected some into the bloodstream of a kitten, sprayed it on otters with open wounds that we had just inflicted, and forced cows to drink it through their nose. We also squirted it into a ducks eyes. Then we ran out of the aftershave and just started punching the duck. There has never been a more extensively tested fragrance. So who wants some? Just £29.95 a bottle. And to sweeten the deal, it features an ivory bottle~stopper, and comes in a genuine tiger~skin carry case. So come on, who's first?

By porcelainfuckingoceans on Friday, January 5, 2001 - 10:20 am:

my dad. i'm sure he'll like it.

By Lucky on Friday, January 5, 2001 - 02:53 pm:

What the hell's a capybara?

By R~S~P on Friday, January 5, 2001 - 06:47 pm:

Largest member of the class rodentia. Basically, it's a guinea pig the size of a sheep.

By WATSON on Saturday, January 6, 2001 - 02:14 am:

And where might I have seen that before, oh RSP???

By caz on Saturday, January 6, 2001 - 01:44 pm:

haha.

By girl from Ipanema on Sunday, January 7, 2001 - 03:55 am:

Capybara!! I know what that is! In portuguese it's called 'capivara'... We have it here in the north of the country and it's a very cute animal! LOL

By stereopop on Sunday, January 7, 2001 - 07:03 am:

So, Chris, is this stuff actually mind control serum, therefore being part of your evile plan to take over the world?

By R~S~P on Sunday, January 7, 2001 - 08:14 am:

Erm.. No, of course not *ahem* What a foolish thing to say....

By stereopop on Sunday, January 7, 2001 - 06:29 pm:

It's just that there was a Pinky and the Brain on yesterday that was uncannily familiar to this situation.

By Sam on Monday, January 22, 2001 - 03:30 pm:

Chris, if i were drunk and a complete half-wit i'd ask you out on account of your wonderfully creative mind.
I don't mean the half wit thing as an insult to you...i meant it like, if i hadn't learned the last time what happens in internet relationships and all that.....ergh...
well anyway....can i have ten bottles please...and forget the genuine tiger skin....can you please put all ten bottles in a genuine tiger....alive preferrably....thanks.
you know where to reach me.

By someone on Monday, January 22, 2001 - 05:29 pm:

I had sex on saturday night with a lovely girl I first met on the internet.

By SoHigh on Monday, January 22, 2001 - 06:44 pm:

I think the problem was that you did indeed get involved with a half-wit, Sam. I also hear that fellow's current relationship is working out fine and looks to continue that way.
Just a thought..

By Sam on Tuesday, January 23, 2001 - 12:04 pm:

Ummm...okay......are you being nice to me or are you being subtle about the state of my mind?

Thanks anyway

Maybe one of these days, when my brain is better, i'll have another go at an internet relationship....but until then.........


i might consider it if it's worth it

By SoHigh on Tuesday, January 23, 2001 - 06:55 pm:

Genuine sincerity, Sammie.

Don't go looking for a relationship, just see what develops from what already exists. They can definitely be worth it..

By Sam on Wednesday, January 24, 2001 - 12:12 am:

Who are you anyway SoHigh?
Do I know you?

By R~S~P on Wednesday, January 24, 2001 - 12:35 am:

Excuse me, can we get back to the topic in hand? Do you want some of this damn aftershave or not? Only don't use it on any of the animals listed above, cos they all kinda died....

By stereopop on Wednesday, January 24, 2001 - 01:54 am:

You should just give it to me, being you made me lose $7.33 ...

By Sam on Saturday, January 27, 2001 - 11:34 am:

add another half dozen bottles to my previous order, chris....but i would like two live tigers please. Same deal as before: aftershave inside the magnificent beast.
cheers

By Sammie on Wednesday, February 7, 2001 - 12:35 am:

well chris, i think you should come up with a new product...the aftershave hype has died down.

why not try selling al foil raincoats or electricity that is not electrical...i think i'll stop now, brain is still functioning at only 20% of desired maximum.

By Sammie on Tuesday, February 13, 2001 - 12:03 pm:

i just read over that and i think i might have been temporarily brain damaged

By Toby on Tuesday, April 17, 2001 - 01:48 am:

so what are you all talking about.