Greg walked in the door and sat down next to the CD player. "D'ya mind if I put on an album I just bought?" he asked. "I got it real fucking cheap out of a bargain bin."
Gertrude was laying on her side, watching TV. She smiled. "Pump it up, baby," she said. "Pump it up real good."

By sean on Saturday, April 27, 2002 - 12:28 pm:

Greg mistook this and started to take his trousers off, throwing the cd case to one side. As Gertrude began to panic and think of a possible escape, 'Bang' by blur came blasting out of the speakers...

By Story teller on Saturday, April 27, 2002 - 05:03 pm:

Thomas Williams then came into the room and said....

By Thomas Williams on Saturday, April 27, 2002 - 05:04 pm:

Yeah!

By Story teller on Saturday, April 27, 2002 - 05:04 pm:

THE END

By indigo on Sunday, April 28, 2002 - 10:30 am:

clap..................... clap ....................... clap

By Luckovic on Sunday, April 28, 2002 - 01:57 pm:

Thomas Williams then awoke with a jolt.
What a dream!
He sat up and realised he was perched on a pile of unconscious moshers, and his mind flashed back to what had happened......
"MOSH-PITTTTTT!!!" Some kid wanted to see what would happen if he stood in the middle of the crowd at Reading and yelled that. He was surprised anyone heard.
At the cry, all the crazy moshers sprang on top of him, knocking each other out. Since there was no actual patch of muddy ground that would've passed for a pit, it became a mosh-hill, and it stayed that way for hours afterwards because nobody gave a shit.
Now Thomas Williams, who was at the very top, had finally come round.
"Fnn," he said.
His vocals vibrated, causing his innards to vibrate, which caused his entire body to shift a mere millimetre... and he fell off the mosh-hill. When he reached the ground, he realised he was crumpled at someone's feet. He looked up, and there stood........

By Shaun Ryder on Sunday, April 28, 2002 - 07:46 pm:

.....me

By Anonymous on Monday, April 29, 2002 - 09:27 am:

Shaun Ryder, looking as frumpy and unattractive as a 59-year-old house maid after a hard day's work, appeared to be having his sack sucked by Gertrude.
"Ooooh yeah, baby baby" said Shaun. "I 'avent had me sack sucked like that since them Penthouse Pets got paid a few hundred squid to pose wit' us in that fooking jacuzzi all them years ago! Keep it going, luv. Keep it going full steam ahead, yar."

By Anonymous on Tuesday, April 30, 2002 - 04:06 am:

Greg wasnt impressed. "Forget his sack," he implored. "Come and listen to some music with me."

By Karla on Tuesday, April 30, 2002 - 05:05 pm:

LoL @ this whole thread...hahah

By Story teller on Wednesday, May 1, 2002 - 12:26 am:

Then Big Brett came along and humped his sack on the table.
"Hahahaboomboom!" he said, "i bet you wish you had a sack as big as this!"
"though it is bulging and I could do with emptying it"
Big Brett then walked up to Karla and asked...

By Anonymous on Wednesday, May 1, 2002 - 04:08 am:

...if she could give him directions to Sarki's house. "I've heard he's so desperate for sex that he'd even let a deluded, moronic lard-arse such as myself give it to him full throttle up the backside, over and over again!"
Karla smiled. "That's what I've heard too."

By Anonymous on Wednesday, May 1, 2002 - 04:15 am:

"Hahaboomboom!" said Brett. "Want to come and watch?"
Karla declined politely, claiming to have a doctor's appointment to attend.

By Anonymous on Wednesday, May 1, 2002 - 10:41 pm:

Before saying goodbye, Karla turns around and says, 'maybe next time'.

By chut on Thursday, May 2, 2002 - 08:31 pm:

Chut enters the room, and says, 'Dear me, this is shit. What a totally shit idea. Youse need to seperate fact from fiction.'

By Ana on Thursday, May 2, 2002 - 09:16 pm:

Meantime the pungent odour of rotting fruit in Greg's trailer had gotten so bad that other people, who also lived in trailers, were complaining. The odour was the consequence of Angie's failed attempt at making homemade strawberry icecream.

These complaints meant little to Greg, however, who had more important matters on his mind. As he made his way to the shower recess at 5:39am, his mind turned to the matter of Shaun Ryder's inexplicable presence in the trailer. Had Shaun only been a hallucination? Or had he indeed materialized in the form of a 59 year old house maid? And if so, why? Gertrude was no lilly, as Greg well knew.
Why, she wouldn't even swallow.

He cheered up a bit and QUIT the introspection as the thought of the exciting day ahead beckoned.

Every time Greg saw a sunrise, or heard the early morning music of an adorable lark, he was reminded of just why the struggle had to go on.

"Hey, you're what this is all about!" he told a field mouse, as he briskly scrubbed out his ASS under the Trailer World public shower ablution block (which was located atop a 200 metre high rocky hill made only accessible via a ramp). He approached his sleeping friends who still lay prostrate on the lawn (why they didn't just go to bed in their respective trailers is just one of those enigmas of human nature).

"UP! UP!" he cried. He had no time for loafers. Same as quitters. No one took any notice except for Angie, who as you can imagine, was the type of vile character who really 'trips out' on the sunrise. "This is what the dawn of creation looked like," shouted Greg excitedly, as he gazed out at a red sun rising against a pink, cloudless horizon.
"Oh, how could you know?" grumbled the negative, neurotic Natasha, as she climbed out of the sleeping bag she shared with her 'guy', Chezwick.

"Because it is written, woman! When God done built this world outta clay mud - this is the proof that this is what it looked like then."

"Nothing is written," sneered Natasha.

"Imagine how beautiful to be there when it happened!" screamed Angie, coming down the ramp on rollerskates, topless. She came to a stop, looking calm and radiant. Then, glancing down at her breasts in silent admiration, she skated off again to Trailer Spring to practice synchronized swimming.

By chut on Thursday, May 2, 2002 - 10:48 pm:

'Few lines *or* a paragraph?,' says chut, disappointed at the upper-case nature of his previous sentence.

By Ana on Thursday, May 2, 2002 - 11:50 pm:

'Take your petty criticisms and and stick them all up your obviously extremely tight arse!' snaps Ana.

By Ana on Thursday, May 2, 2002 - 11:57 pm:

'And stop picking on my posts for being longer than a paragraph!' she adds, irritated at herself for having written 'and and' in the heat of her annoyance at the last post.

By Skrooie on Friday, May 3, 2002 - 12:26 am:

Skrooie laughs loudly, burps, and agrees that this topic *is* shit.

By Ana on Friday, May 3, 2002 - 01:35 am:

Don't force me into the position of sticking up for it! I can see this topic is a corny idea, & was totally doomed from the outset.
I was only trying to be a good sport, fer fooksakes.
And who was it who began the original "Big Brother" Coping topic?

"There are ALL KINDS of writers, chut!"

*runs, sobbing, from the room & begins a yellow sand delivery business at Ayers Rock.*

By Davina on Friday, May 3, 2002 - 01:55 pm:

Don't know, who?

By tracyjax on Friday, May 3, 2002 - 03:32 pm:

The next day, Hilary boarded the train. The journey was dull, dull, dull. To pass the time she attempted to throw her pancake squarely whilst chewing the carpet wall and reminiscing about those pigeons with their little wrinkly pink feet. An old fucker was accross the aisle, and she seethed silently before snapping. The Lemon Jif went everywhere as she flew out of her seat and screeched " Shut it you infuriating old Shit-for-brains, or i'll solder those hairy bastard nostrils SHUT!
Then came the real horror of horrors! PORTSMOUTH!

By BIG BRETT on Friday, May 3, 2002 - 06:39 pm:

BEHOLD! BRETT! THE TOPIC SAVER! I SHALL KEEP THIS TOPIC ALIVE! WHATS GOING ON HERE BTW?
BERRRRRRRRRRRP!
OK, WHATS YOUR LOUDEST BURP?

By chut on Friday, May 3, 2002 - 07:23 pm:

Hey look, you. I started the 'keeping it real' campaign in September last year. Not my fault if some folks couldnae tell real if Mickey flippin' Mouse himself punched them on the nose.

In fact, everything said up till that point had already been honest, and then the focus shifted from honest to candid.

By a confused Coper on Saturday, May 4, 2002 - 12:45 am:

please clarify that message Mr Chut

By Liam on Saturday, May 4, 2002 - 01:41 am:

BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER

By chut on Saturday, May 4, 2002 - 10:11 am:

Put an 'I' before before the word 'everything' in my last post. And put your proper name. Then we'll get along dandy.

By Ana on Saturday, May 4, 2002 - 11:12 am:

Oh but Chut, it WASN'T you who began the 'keeping-it-real' campaign. It was Paige. (See first posting under the topic simply entitled 'Paige', dated June 4th 2001.)
Maybe she was a genius & a visionary, after all.

The 'gimmick' here is for people to keep up a fictitious story. It obviously won't work, but the idea isn't for more posts by Micky Maybrick/*ANGIE!*/BIG BRETT/BIG BILL/BIG BREAST/THOMAS WILLIAMS etc.
So your 'keeping-it-real' critique doesn't apply to this topic.

That seems so obvious I feel like I'm a patronizing twat to even mention it.

Anyroad, apologies for the vitriolic outburst Chut, but I was feeling lousy at the time (an attack of what I call "Johnathonitis"?). Your 'humourous' little potshot had the desired effect (ie, pissing me off).

I also think it a little unnecessary to sneer at people who've attempted to contribute to this admittedly daft topic. Only because a few people who've posted here seem to go well out of their way to always be pleasant towards you.

Yeah, so I'm a great big hypocrite: I asked for a very nasty, arrogant and unfair post of mine to be deleted only a few days back. So I guess I have no right to get querulous. I'm sure you could not give a toss any way.

By chut on Saturday, May 4, 2002 - 02:01 pm:

Who the hell is nice to me?

Paige? What the f*ck does she know about keeping it real? Is she a fan of the team from Madrid? Anyway, lets not get this out of proportion.

By BIG BRETT on Saturday, May 4, 2002 - 03:55 pm:

I'M NICE TO YOU UNCLE CHUT! YOU SCOTTISH WANKER
I AGREE WITH THIS KEEPING IT REAL CAMPAIGNE THO! SOUNDS A GOOD IDEA TO GET RID OF ALL THESE FAKE CHARACTORS WHO ARE TAKING OVER THIS BOARD! THIS BOARD SHOULD BE LEFT FOR *REAL* PEOPLE LIKE ME AND YOU! HAHAHABOOMBOOM!

BB

By Chris on Saturday, May 4, 2002 - 06:00 pm:

I'm fairly nice to you, old son. Read your diary didn't I? Has it been updated recently? I'd look, only I've forgotten the URL again...

By chut on Saturday, May 4, 2002 - 07:19 pm:

Alright, there's a few of you who are diamonds. Not that many, mind. I'm jovial now, given the last minute winner on the field of dreams (ie Hampden). Altogether: 'Oh, the bluebells are blue, oh, the bluebells are blue, oh, the bluebells are blue.....'

http://www.geocities.com/chutmarshall/mangoback2work.htm

By Diamond on Saturday, May 4, 2002 - 07:22 pm:

'Oh, the blueballs are blue, oh, the blueballs are blue, oh, the blueballs are blue.....'

By BIG BRETT on Saturday, May 4, 2002 - 08:38 pm:

OH, THE BLUEBELLS ARE GREEN! OH THE BLUEBELLS ARE GREEN! OH THE BLUEBELLS IS GREEN!
OH SHIT, THATS GRASS AINT IT! ME REALLY AUGHT TO LAY OFF THAT WACKY BACKY 4 A BIT! HAHAHABOOMBOOOOOOOM!

By Kurt Blowbrain on Saturday, May 4, 2002 - 08:55 pm:

pass the joint

By BIG BRETT on Sunday, May 5, 2002 - 10:36 am:

HAHAHABOOMBOOM!

TOO LATE, I ATE IT ALL! BERRRRRRRP!

By Questions, questions... on Sunday, May 5, 2002 - 07:06 pm:

Where is Scamp?

By Anonymous on Sunday, May 5, 2002 - 07:10 pm:

Greg started dancing suggestively, shaking his body. "Let's get a party going, let's get a party going!" he shouted out loud.

By Rhinestone Land, Western Australia on Tuesday, May 7, 2002 - 09:24 am:

Wowee, am I one of those diamonds, chut? Am I? AM I? HUH?

By chut on Tuesday, May 7, 2002 - 08:03 pm:

Dunno, who are you when you're not moon-lighting?

By Shine on you crazy diamond s on Wednesday, May 8, 2002 - 12:52 am:

Maybe scamp joined an underground cult.


PS: hi uncle chut!

By Anonymous on Thursday, May 9, 2002 - 04:57 am:

I wouldnt put it past the crazy mutha.

By chut on Thursday, May 9, 2002 - 08:10 pm:

I could quite happily categorise everyone into three categories.
1: Diamonds
2: Diamonds who have lost their sparkle
3: Fool's gold
4: Hitherto uncategorisable

But I shant, as it would be cruel to categorise, and I'm ill-prepared for the backlash. Who give a f*ck about what I say anyway? My opinions have as much effect as throwing the proverbial baked bean in the path of a charging rhino.

By Anonymous on Thursday, May 9, 2002 - 08:30 pm:

You forgot

5: Diamonds who don't give a fuck.

By chut on Thursday, May 9, 2002 - 08:47 pm:

Oh, you reminded me of the sixth also. Nipple. *n-i-p-p-l-e*.

By Sixth Sense on Thursday, May 9, 2002 - 08:58 pm:

*d-i-a-m-o-n-d*

By Nipply Diamond on Thursday, May 9, 2002 - 09:34 pm:

And you also forgot

7: Diamond dust
8: Diamonds in the ruff

By Diamond Dog on Friday, May 10, 2002 - 07:16 am:

In the year of the scavenger, the season of the bitch...

By indigo on Friday, May 10, 2002 - 11:43 pm:

9. Are a girl's best friend

By JEFF FOLKOFF on Monday, May 13, 2002 - 07:44 am:

YOU CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE

By THE END on Thursday, June 13, 2002 - 03:37 pm:

.

By Last page on Thursday, June 13, 2002 - 10:13 pm:

Credits:

This book was published Indigo and Lucky

Thankyou to Frederick Tomlinson for his autobiographic rights.

Author: Anonymous
Editor: Sean
Pisstaker: Sarki

By indigo on Friday, June 14, 2002 - 10:15 pm:

what?

By Lucky on Saturday, June 15, 2002 - 09:22 am:

Ehhhhhh?

By lampoon on Saturday, June 15, 2002 - 03:41 pm:

the word is pardon, or can you not spell PARDON you pair of dumbledorks!
indigo and lucky = pinky and purky

By Lucky on Saturday, June 15, 2002 - 03:44 pm:

Because you're the head of the Polite People's Party aren't you, sweetie?

By lampoon on Saturday, June 15, 2002 - 03:46 pm:

you're the dickHEAD of the polite peoples party

By Lucky on Saturday, June 15, 2002 - 03:48 pm:

Shouldn't that be DICKhead?

Like duh!

By wonky donkey on Saturday, June 15, 2002 - 03:49 pm:

shut your face

By Lucky on Saturday, June 15, 2002 - 03:50 pm:

Okay then. Been fun!