I don't know if anyone I know is still here, even Joe. But today I was talking to my friends about monkeys and I came up with a great new idea for a tv show.
It is called MONKEYS IN A SPEEDBOAT
16 monkeys are put in a speed boat with a brick on the accelerator and given fuckloads of bananas. Madness ensues! Where will the crazy boat go? Will the monkeys learn to steer it, or will they just eat the bananas straight away like stupid bastards? Or would they just wank all the fucking time?
There are live webcasts and a two-hour tv programme every night, after which the viewers vote for the most unpopular monkey. Then the top four unpopular monkeys get taken out by a sniper, and if he fucks up, the monkey shall live another day. Eventually there will be just one monkey left, who will win the speedboat for keeps, and a lovely little sea captain's cap, earning the title Captain Monkey. Of course there will be the inevitable recording contract and a spin off, MONKEYS IN A SUBMARINE. All will be filmed inside International Waters to avoid the illegalness and ethical questions involving the whole programme.

Copyright 2001 Ian Boutle

By Ian on Friday, March 30, 2001 - 06:38 pm:

By the way, It's summer (kind of)! Truly a time to dig out your copy of K by Kula Shaker, buy cheap bottles of lemonade from Tescos, shake em up, throw them, and watch them fly! It's (sniff) so beautiful. The glory of youth. Soon these days will be gone- a lot of my friends are going to university next year and I shall be earning money to do the same thing in 2002.
As the sun shines down on me, I feel melancholy in a joyous kind of way.

By nat on Friday, March 30, 2001 - 09:45 pm:

aye, ian, the sadness of a lost youth... where you think you're headed? (a year's work sabbatical, eh?) i think i'll be swinging by your little town for a few weeks that summer (2002).

monkeys in a speedboat gives away the whole plot, don't you think? speed monkeys or something, yeah. but come on, ian, you can be more creative than that (title-wise)...

By TobyZ on Friday, March 30, 2001 - 10:25 pm:

How 'bout "Chimboatzees" !?! That'd be a sweet name.

By Ian on Saturday, March 31, 2001 - 10:10 am:

No- Monkeys in a Speedboat was and remains a great title- it's reality tv, and doesn't have to be anything cryptic. I want a gay celebrity to present it, so it has a bit of charm.
I am now very likely to be headed to Manchester University to study history, failing that, Goldsmiths.

Big Monkey was another idea considered- exactly the same as Big Brother, but with various types of primate eg- Chimp, Mandrill, Baboon, Orangutan, Stereotypical monkey etc.
DAY ONE-
"This is big brother could Baboon come to the diary room?"
(Baboon looks confused)
"Baboon, come to the diary room"
(Baboon still looks confused)
"Baboon if you keep this up you will be evicted from the house. AND STOP WANKING ALL OF YOU!"

Not sure about giving them a jacuzzi though. And what about those poor chickens?
The best bit would be on eviction night when you invite the monkey's families over to greet them as they come out...

(Copyright Ian Boutle 2001)

By indigo on Saturday, March 31, 2001 - 11:24 am:

haha you could sell that to Channel 5! Just the idea could be worth, ooooh, £100s! Which gay celebrity would be presenting?

BTW, welcome back Ian! I'm going to Uni in 2002 as well, to do history or history of art. And I just got my tickets for the Radiohead mini festival in july! and I just came back from a fucking excellent Manic Street Preacher gig at brixton Academy last night! And its the easter holidays in a week! life just gets better and better!

By Candy Cane on Saturday, March 31, 2001 - 12:40 pm:

I doubt there'd be much ocean.....

By indigo on Saturday, March 31, 2001 - 04:38 pm:

I don't understand Candy's last posting.

oh shit, I've been on the net for 5 hours. i did the posting above when I came on this morning, and i haven't logged off yet!

By evil_eye on Saturday, March 31, 2001 - 05:47 pm:

i'm going to uni this year too, to do media, so your MONKEYS IN A SPEEDBOAT idea could become my next project...

By evil_eye on Saturday, March 31, 2001 - 05:48 pm:

ps. can you still get those radiohead tickets anywhere??..

By Candy Cane on Saturday, March 31, 2001 - 06:56 pm:

INJECT THEM WIH INSULIN!

By Candy Cane on Saturday, March 31, 2001 - 07:01 pm:

MONKEY PANCAKES!!

By ZACH+---- on Saturday, March 31, 2001 - 11:47 pm:

Yes, monkey pancakes indeed!!!! (said with thick sarcasem) Even i know so is spelled with only 1 o and capitalization is only for proper nouns and the start of sentances... if you use all willy nilly it loses it relevance...just like you!

By indigo on Sunday, April 1, 2001 - 09:29 am:

evil eye- I don't think Radiohead is sold out yet. Buy them off www.radiohead.com!

By Candy Cane on Sunday, April 1, 2001 - 12:34 pm:

WHAT ZACH?

By Candy Cane on Sunday, April 1, 2001 - 03:29 pm:

I dont beleive i made a long annoying comment here so whatre u on about Zach?

By ZACH+---- on Sunday, April 1, 2001 - 06:45 pm:

I consider "mokey pancakes" to be an annoying comment...
ps. my name is ZACH+---

By pretzy on Sunday, April 1, 2001 - 08:35 pm:

hm, hands up who knows what sound +---- makes....
c'mon, give us a cluck ya yeller ringworm!

By Ian on Monday, April 2, 2001 - 07:37 pm:

I think Radiohead is sold out- but I've got tickets anyway, so maybe I'll be seeing you there indigo.

By Ian on Monday, April 2, 2001 - 07:41 pm:

Oh yeah, what university you going to, indigo?

I think the gay celeb should be either-
Dale Winton or
Graham Norton
Cast your votes please.

By indigo on Monday, April 2, 2001 - 08:37 pm:

errmmm... well they're both kind of annoying and overpaid aren't they? Dale winton hasn't been getting that much work lately, and I think he'd appreciate the chance to be around speeding monkeys.

I'm looking at Cambridge, Courtaulds, Goldsmiths, Warwick and York (alphabetical order there you'll notice - I still I have no idea which one looks best). There was probably another one as well that I can't remember. Oh well, I'll be spending the next few weeks at open days. Yeah Ian, you'll have to wear a red carnation in your button hole at the Radiohead gig heehee

By evil_eye on Tuesday, April 3, 2001 - 08:12 am:

you have a mighty fine list of uni's there inidgo, so you must be predicted a's and b's?....i'm probably going to get d's L
ZACH+---- do you pronounce your name 'zach plus minus minus minus minus'?

By indigo on Tuesday, April 3, 2001 - 04:40 pm:

no, he's strong Zach with his sword of Greyskull... or something. Yeah, I'm hoping to get what I need (BBC on some courses, AAA for Cambridge!) - bit fucking scary really, as I'm taking my AS levels in about 7 weeks or something and they know actually count as half my A level grade! argh!

By ZACHimposter with his Power Sword on Tuesday, April 3, 2001 - 04:51 pm:

IIIIIIIIII Haaaaaaaavvvveeee theeeee Powwwwwweeeeeeeeeer! Oh, hi Alex, umm I was just. .. . . . *goes behind tree to weep*

By TobyZ on Tuesday, April 3, 2001 - 04:53 pm:

And go here:

http://members.aol.com/skadavid/heman.html

Ahh ha, He-Man and the Search for Balls!

By indigo on Wednesday, April 4, 2001 - 03:22 pm:

wow, someone got the obscure intellectual reference to a classic programme of our time. Although She-Ra was much better.

By Lucky on Wednesday, April 4, 2001 - 06:08 pm:

Right on. GIRL POWER yeah.

By wankstain on Wednesday, April 4, 2001 - 08:27 pm:

monkeys in a speedboat kicks ass

By TobyZ on Thursday, April 5, 2001 - 12:26 pm:

Indigo, I'm chock full of worthless trivia : )

By Ian on Thursday, April 12, 2001 - 11:07 am:

She-Ra was NOT much better. He-man defied my early years. I had over 80 figures, ones that were never on the fucking programme! Snout Sprout anyone?
Whoever decided to set the He-man movie in 1980s America deserves to be shot. And what the hell did Beastman look like? He was supposed to be ORANGE. God I'm pissed off now.

By indigo on Friday, April 13, 2001 - 11:02 am:

Ian, Ian - just calm down, take the blue pill and breathe. Snout Sprout? That's enough to get you committed. Sounds like something off Itchy and Scratchy (Klu Klux Clam?)

By Ian on Wednesday, November 28, 2001 - 11:06 pm:

Tis I, returning for a one-off special. The significance of this moment will be lost on many if not all, but I genuinely believe the spirit of Monkeys in a Speedboat will never die.

Speshly cause I have the brand name patented. Copy me and I'll sue your balls off.

By lady viola on Thursday, November 29, 2001 - 06:44 am:

I don't think it's worth pinching anyway :-P

By indigo on Thursday, November 29, 2001 - 07:42 pm:

ah Ian, that was my get rich quick scheme for the future. Do you know where you're going to uni yet? I've got an INTERVIEW next week for York, then one the week after for *whisper it* Cambridge. Arrrrrgh!

By Ian on Tuesday, December 4, 2001 - 11:50 pm:

Really? I have an interview with Cambridge on Thursday 13th!